But I don't want to trust...
It was a nice fall day, but I was certainly not in my usual autumn mood. I was stressed to the max, thinking about my very important exam scheduled for later that day.
I was so worried! Augh, was I worried! Put it this way... the first exam, I had been able to study for about a week with a C for a reward. With the hoopla of daily crazy-anna-life + a little procrastination, I had not been able to study even a good 2 days worth for this coming exam.
I was hurrying around the house, trying to make sure I didn't forget anything when my wonderful mom noticed my less-than-cheerful face. I told her the predicament, which she already knew.
She always has an encouraging word for me and that day it was very simple.
"Just trust the Lord with it".
I can't remember what my outward response was but my internal voice IMMEDIATELY shouted, "But I don't want to trust!!!!"
Nice one, Anna. I didn't know that was in there...
I got in my car.
As I drove to campus the Lord spoke to me with that simple inward voice that he usually does...
You know that's not the only thing you don't want to trust me with...
He proceeded to show me different battles in my life that I knew were impossible but still somehow, I was clinging to this willpower of trust in my self or my ability or my effort to pray that was surely going to fix my deep seated problems. Not.
I knew he was right. He always is.
Why do I try to trust myself when my track record is riddled with failure and he shines only with perfection?
No matter how much we wear this verse to pieces, it still is just as true:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the Lord and depart from evil.
It will be health to your flesh,
And strength to your bones.
After all that stress, I passed that exam, 9 pts higher than my previous attempt... He did so many miracles while I studied 2 hours before the exam, while I took the exam... Y'all! God is just too good to care about things like this!
Now, I want to remember this nugget from the Lord in the much more weighty battles I face tomorrow and the days to come.